Commitment

I have come to realize that I am afraid of commitment. It is difficult for me to break out from the status quo and try something radically different, without reverting back to what I had before. Somehow related, the thought of doing something (or making a choice) with permanent and irreversible effects makes me really uncomfortable.

This trait manifests in some quirks I have, such as being reluctant to spend my skill points in an RPG without skill reset mechanics. But this also makes me really reserved in making important decisions, to the point I often take irrational actions. Since I am unconsciously aware of the fact that choosing is hard, I compensate by ignoring my (sometimes reasonable) bad feelings and take the plunge anyway, since I assume that I am being wrongfully pessimistic. Often times I would be right, as the saying goes, regretting about having done something is better than regretting about having done nothing. And by this mode of operation, I have come to where I am now.

But the glitch stays. Time to time I argue with my paranoid self and this takes away too much energy. I am not sure if this is a natural think process of an analytic personality combined with skepticism, or this is excessive low self esteem and paranoia. I don't really know, and as I choose to believe, no one can ever know exactly what I feel.

I feel inefficient and volatile.