I have a hard time starting conversations with others. It is not that I do not like to talk, but I am not used to being the one that leads.

Making new friends is harder and slower for me, because I let go chances to get to know someone better. Especially when I encounter a person who is also passive in talks, I end up silently doing whatever at hand and pretending that no one is there.

There are also exceptions, people with whom I mysteriously have topics to start a conversation. Either there is a specific personality that I feel more comfortable to deal with, or that our interests simply coincide.

Sometimes though, I feel my behavior resembling mansplaining, but not in the gender sense. I find it easier to chat with people that I secretly consider inferior to me, conscious or not.

This is not pejorative or abusive in anyway, since I am not hurting anyone (except perhaps hindering my own relationships). It is more that I cannot deal with people better than me, which is a defect in my own personality.

But I feel bad about the behavior, and this guilt also shows when I talk to close friends. I do not want to accept the fact that, somewhere in my mind, I am actually looking down on them to my comfort.

As I grow up, I gradually lose the confidence to criticize, finding more and more spots within myself.