Laziness

At times I feel like I do not really understand myself.

I have several hobbies, and important things to do. I always stress to keep rational and act accordingly, but what I end up doing in the long term, is utterly unwise: I abandon hobby projects, procrastinate work, and generally waste my own time, none of which makes a lot of sense, if any.

I am too often impulsive as I experienced something that feels good. I would rush to get more out of it, and envision plans to cultivate the passion. But I always fail to follow them up with dedication and perseverance.

The impulsiveness probably stems from the inability for me to envision the future. I do not have a clear image of the consequences of procrastination (“Maybe I can squeeze the schedule and get by narrowly!”), or what could I achieve if I put in the efforts (“I would never become as good as the artists I love, so these practices are pointless.”).

So I end up pondering, as I use to do. What went wrong? I have never really accomplished anything worth mentioning, and if I keep on going like this, I would never complete projects or reach goals which I can be proud of.

I can see that some of the wasted time is actually the sunken costs of those abandoned attempts, and I am really ashamed of myself. I am gifted with freedom and a fantastic environment, and I am not putting them to good use.

I want to be proud of myself...